On Friday, I sat in a tea ceremony with some beautiful soul sisters. My intention for the ceremony was to be 100% present in gratitude. I enjoyed a few rounds of tea as I filled my internal cup. I sat there silently, expressing my sincerest gratitude for the path I had chosen to go back to following and trusting Jesus Christ. I then understood it wasn’t necessarily a path I chose, I just followed the light and His guidance to come back home. Even when I thought I had gone off track when I strayed away from Jesus in my 20's, I realized it was necessary to guide me to be where I am to fully surrender to how I wanted to live daily through Him.
As I was about to take a sip from another cup of freshly brewed tea and I felt the most loving and familiar presence sit across from me. I lowered my cup, and in my mind's eye, I could see that I was in a beautiful space completely white and glowing, sitting directly in front of Jesus Christ. This wasn’t the first time He has shown Himself to me so I wasn’t alarmed. In fact, this was the second time in 3 weeks! We were sitting on the floor in silence, being entirely present in each other's presence.
I did have a thought of “Is this the devil playing a trick on me?” but His presence and words in my mind immediately reassured me. Jesus slightly bowed His head and said "Not even the devil can replicate My image."
I immediately felt a sense of peace and gratitude wash over me.
We both extended our cups towards one another without having them touch, nodded to each other, expressing appreciation for this moment, and enjoyed this cup of tea together in silence.
With every sip, I enjoyed sitting there with my brother, my teacher, my savior. I felt immense love for this life and Him choosing to sit with me in this capacity. These sense of mutual gratitude was intense but in the most loving and gentle way.
By the time I lowered my cup from my face after my final sip, thanking Him for being here, He was gone, but the message he left me by showing up unexpectedly to share tea further solidified that I was on the right path. I feel entirely at ease in my soul.
I set the cup down and waited patiently for the next round of tea, but was pleasantly unsurprised to find out that it was the final cup of the evening. He showed up to have the last cup of tea with me. I still am so honored.
At the time, I didn’t realize I needed validation for my decision to change my life in this way. I, at least, consciously didn’t know I had residual resistance, but after sharing tea with Jesus, I felt like every part of my soul and The Spirit within me let go of any resistance to be completely at ease.
𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙪𝙥 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚. 𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙃𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨.
Prior to this moment, I spent days and maybe even weeks mourning. Mourning every version of myself before the moment I surrendered to God. Mourning the identity that I created for myself around my spirituality. Mourning the potential loss of relationships for this unexpected shift. Mourning the thousands of dollars and hours spent on spiritual-based practices and tools. Mourning over the dreams and desires, goals, and manifestations I was white-knuckling and asking the Universe to bless me with.
I gave myself the time to grieve and to question everything. Not once did I feel hesitant after I got on my knees, prayed, and accepted being filled with The Holy Spirit. I am still learning and growing and understanding what all of this means, but never have I felt so filled with peace. My capacity to love every single person and being grew 1000 times more expansive - and I thought I had already reached my max! It’s thrilling and exciting to be on this adventure with God. I am so glad I chose to be all in.
This may seem rapid and drastic, I thought so too at first, but I already had a solid foundation from my upbringing with both of my parents as ministers and so in with Jesus until my 20's. This way of being was already deeply engrained in my DNA, so it was more of a slow rebuilding of a knocked down building, with the foundation already firmly laid.
I was processing a lot for a couple of months so I made sure to give myself time to feel what I was feeling. I realized that nothing was wasted or needed to be mourned because all of this helped me get to where I am. I have always remained pure in my intentions, decisions, and teachings and I regret nothing.
As I sat with myself, I felt friction between who I was and who I was coming back to and recognized I did nothing wrong. Even when I had doubts, I know that I didn’t lead myself or others astray; I was destined to go on this path, and I am forever grateful. 🙏🏻
I may have been scared to start this journey because there are so many unknowns, but that feeling melted away very quickly. And let me tell you, it has been hard to retrain my brain not to try to control and hope that the universe will provide me with XY&Z.
I am so grateful for all the teachings, tools, and experiences that I have had because they helped me remove the layers of myself that became a protective shield around me. I thank God every day for guiding me to attend Vipassana because that triggered the final round of elimination of what no longer served me.
𝗦𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗜 𝗮𝗺. 𝗥𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗲𝗮 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗝𝗲𝘀𝘂𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲. I finally feel free to thrive as I pursue living in this world through God’s eyes. This doesn’t change my personality and who I am because I’ve always been who God created me to be, but my life is now focused on being even more present, feeling more compassion, and letting someone else be the driver of my life. I’m happy to be the passenger and enjoy everything I see and experience, things I would have missed if I were the driver. I understand this may not make sense or resonate with many and that’s okay. I pray that my share inspires you to dive deeper into finding yourself as well; however that path looks for you. You are always welcome here with love, grace, and completely free of judgment, just as before. That hasnt changed, and never will. I pray that you get to have an experience like I did where you get to come back home to yourself.
As always, know that I love you, I thank you, and I bless each and every one of you. 🙏🏻 May you truly be blessed and filled with joy and love. Thank you for your presence.
I would be thrilled to share more about this journey, feel free to ask me questions, I just ask that only words of kindness are expressed as this is made to be a safe space for all.
With love and gratitude beyond words can express,
If you would like to read more about my how I got to this place since my Vipassana experience in January or to learn what that is, I invite you to read the last two blog posts. There, I share where I was in the moment and what I was processing. You can witness the rawness and slow shifts that have led me here.