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♥ A Thanksgiving Love Letter & Testimony ♥

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!! 

I am writing in my journal outside with the sun shining on my face, my ears tickled by Ella's voice, a beautiful autumn breeze caressing my skin, and my heart full of love and gratitude beyond measure.

Some of my favorite things: Sunshine, Cacao, Journaling, Jazz, & God

I am entirely at ease as I reflect on this year with so much gratitude. The year started with intense anxiety and no sense of direction. I spent ten days in solitude at a silent meditation retreat where I took the time to process, forgive, release, and shed the elements of who I was. I left renewed, seeing the world differently, completely reshaping my life.

In the following months, I became more myself by shedding layers and beliefs that blocked me from who I am at the core. There was a gradual shift of everything, leading to complete surrender and being welcomed back home to God with peace in my soul. I finally feel like I am thriving, but in a way I didn't realize I could. 

I feel so free, so liberated to be who I was always destined to be. 

I am grateful to be in discipleship with a beautiful soul at church for several weeks. She has been inspiring me to remain on the narrow path and helping guide me in the purpose God has planned for me. It has been made very clear that my words and testimonies are essential parts of this journey. I have been actively shedding the fear of being completely open and vulnerable in my posts, which I call journal entries because they are precisely that. I handwrite personal journal entries first, then share them here for the ears that are meant to hear and the eyes that are meant to see. 

So here is my latest entry, including vulnerable confessions on my season of celibacy and singleness, my relationship development with God, a letter of love to my future husband, and a special message for those in a season of waiting...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)


- Vulnerability -

During the holidays, my heart usually feels heavier because of my deep desire to give love and be loved beyond my friends and family. I haven't experienced romantic love during this time of year, so it's always been a time of desire and loneliness. This is because I have been single and celibate (by choice) for nearly 13 years. I was once ashamed of this part of my story, but I have realized it is an integral part of my journey.

Let's take a trip to April 2023 to a conversation I had with a friend. He was the first man I shared about my long-term celibacy. He was stunned and said I should never share this information with people, especially men, because they would think something was wrong with me. He quickly expressed he knows there isn't, but I should really get out there and enjoy my singleness to the fullest.

His concern was genuine and well-meaning, but he mirrored my fears. I quickly realized these fears weren't fact, and this belief didn't feel aligned. I got my "rebellious side" out of my system by 22. (Which was still relatively mild. 😅) I don't drink, and I've never been part of the hookup culture or party world. I was so embarrassed by these parts of myself, feeling like I missed out on life.

I often thought, "WHO in their right mind would want someone like me?" But then I decided to believe that the man who I would want to spend the rest of my life with would love these things about me. I've always been more pure of heart and naive so I may not have dating experience, but I am naturally built for the long term. 

This conversation and these contemplative thoughts encouraged me to discover what kind of man I want to be with, especially since I am the type who dates to marry. I won't waste your time and money, nor mine!


- A "Come to Jesus" Moment -

You always hear that you must love yourself before you can love someone else, but I already had that. I genuinely loved myself, but I still felt like I wasn't enough in some way or another.

You also hear that you must become the person your dream partner wants, so I would often stress about not being skinny enough, pretty enough, and financially successful enough.

I started to believe I would never be with someone because I couldn't be what I thought I was supposed to be, but I realized these things about myself on these topics...

  • Skinny: I'm a naturally curvy girl - my weight will always fluctuate, and I will never be "skinny," but I am healthy, I work out, eat healthy, and take care of myself. 

  • Pretty: I live a natural, non-toxic lifestyle and am pretty low/medium maintenance with my looks by not wearing makeup often or needing anything that requires upkeep. I'm pretty chill, but I still like to look good. That's not what's popular, but that's what "pretty" looks like for me, and I like that about myself.  

  • Successful: I never wanted to be a boss babe who hustles for success. I have a gift of guiding others and being in teaching or leadership roles. I know and trust that God is guiding me toward my purpose and have a good idea of what that looks like, but my career is not my sole focus. My entire being has always desired to be a loving and supportive wife and mother who can love, nurture, and create a sanctuary within our home for the success of us all - things I naturally do best. That doesn't mean I don't want to "work" - this is the vision of true success for me.

I realized during these reflections that I am more of a traditional woman and I'm no longer the girl I once was. 🙌🏻 There's nothing wrong with being traditional or being who I was, even though I would feel ashamed by both at times.

These realizations were able to come up and evolve because I have dedicated over seven years toward self-development, letting go of beliefs/traumas, and enhancing my physical and emotional intelligence. I am no longer controlled by or driven by my emotions or my past. It's been such a beautiful time of growth, and I feel more secure in my truth.

I am also secure being in the present moment without getting lost or worried about the past or future. It's liberating but can also be a tad lonely, but I'm growing to be okay with being misunderstood by the world as I stand firm in my authenticity. I have changed so much this last decade that I hardly recognize myself; I'm just finally settled into my core essence outside of other's expectations or influences. This is what self-love looks like for me. 🫶🏻

I am grateful for my growth, but still have that desire to be in a beautiful relationship. I thought about what kind of man would want to be with a woman like myself, and that honestly triggered one of many "Come [back] to Jesus" moments. I started making the shifts within to be that woman. It's not the superficial and external things that make love last, like the list above. It's what's within. I always knew this, but I didn't KNOW it until I finally accepted myself in every way.

I already did a lot of the inner work for myself, but I underwent another beautiful process to fully accept who I have always been - who I was designed to be THROUGH GOD!

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:30 (NLT)


- Faith in God's Guidance -

At times, I felt as though I was going to be single the rest of my life. I never had a timeline nor do I expect things to happen in certain ways or times, but I was increasingly growing sad and frustrated. Since my "New Age" life wasn't fulfilling me, this sparked my coming back to Jesus. I actively prayed to God asking Him to please remove my desire for marriage and kids if that is not His will.

Well, ask and you shall receive… I was surprised because instead of removing those desires, God increased them. The intensity drove me to really have faith, a genuine trust, in Him more by reading His guidance in the Bible and pray with expectation. 🙏🏻

“Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.” Psalms‬ ‭5‬:‭3‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

After spending weeks of devoted time with God, by taking the time to know and trust His voice, I asked God what he wanted me to focus on. He placed this desire in my heart to pray for my future Husband. Not necessarily in regards to showing me who my husband is or to tell me how and when we are to come together. God guided me to pray for this man's strength, protection, health, and success. To pray for his relationship with God, that it remains strong and continues to grow. And to also pray for him to be annointed, having heightened gifts of discernment, knowledge, and clarity in life and for our union. It’s been so beautiful because those things have been strengthened within me. A wife and husband are one flesh so when I pray for him I'm in turn, praying for myself. What a beautiful realization. 🙏🏻

God's not only guiding me to pray for my future partner but also to pray for our love, our children, and our future that will glorify God by doing His will. It has been so beautiful to pray for someone else and for a love yet to be.

"And whatever you ask in My name, this I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." John 14:13-14 (NASB)

I figured God would want me to focus on work or healing. I would get annoyed sometimes, thinking I should focus on something more tangible, but He told me it was time to learn how to trust Him, and this desire is the tool to help me do just that. So, I have been allowing Him to guide me as I pray consistently about this love He has planned.

I have had many days filled with doubts, frustration, and disappointment; opportunities to heal and let go of previous beliefs; and received many confirmations these past four months. I know I am doing God's Will ALL without my trying to control, beg, or "manifest" my desires. I've already spent 7 years of dedicated time on the inner work. Now, I get to focus on praying, asking for clarity, and letting it go. (Very different from the New Age mindset by trying to control an outcome.)

I question a lot, but I'm not afraid to ask questions. I also don't have expectations on the whohow, where, or when, only the why. Although, I do have a nice list I started when I was 12 years old that describes the desired "who" and our dynamic. 😅 The Why is to help me strengthen my faith in God and trust in myself to know what is and isn't from God.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)


- Dreamer -

After my switch from New Age to Jesus, it took me a while to realize that my dreams were actually a spiritual gift from God. (That full testimony and process will arrive someday soon.) God often speaks to me through dreams so vividly and peacefully. It's been a beautiful journey to discern what's from Him and what's not. I pray for clarity and confirmation when He presents information to me to ensure it is from Him. Instead of assuming every synchronicity or sign is "the truth", as I would believe before, I pause, feel God's presence, and ask him candidly for total understanding.

Guess what?! He replies every time! Well, nearly. There has to be some mystery. I can't know everything, even though I would love to.

Our Creator is not a God of confusion. He creates opportunities for doubts and makes us question things so we can learn to rely on Him. We have to keep asking and trusting in Him to build that faith.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8 (NASB)

"Therefore, I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted to you." Mark 11:24 (NASB)

So even though God shows me so much, I know so little. I only know that God is and will ALWAYS be my number one. Through the good, the fears, the disappointments, the confidence, the very human moments, and beyond - He is and will always be good and faithful. I'm just here for the journey and to lead through Him.


- Surrender & Gratitude -

In August, I gave myself fully to God and have been fasting in His word. I feel so blessed and as though I've been chosen. For what? I don't know. I have always felt that I will transform thousands of lives alongside the man God has for me, just by being who God made us to be. It just feels more real now than ever because of my relationship with God.

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another." John 51:16-17 (NASB)

I've always been a dreamer and optimist but this is different. I have been forever transformed through God's love. I cry randomly due to all the love I feel, gratitude for being the woman I was meant to become through God's grace and guidance, and joy for my continued evolvement. It is the most beautiful form of surrender.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity,

    and she laughs without fear of the future.

When she speaks, her words are wise,

    and she gives instructions with kindness." 

Proverbs 31:25-26 (NLT)


- Dear Husband... -

(In this journal entry, I felt called to write a letter of love to my future husband. May it inspire you...)

My love, know that God loves us so much. The wait is absolutely worth it because it has given us time to grow closer to Him and become the people he has designed us to be. We've had all this time to surrender to God and to confidently understand His will. I know our love will glorify God and be a blessing to us and Him.

I look forward to meeting you. And if we have already met, it will be a renewed meeting when God opens our eyes to this knowing. I know that you, nor I, need everything figured out before we come together because God will always provide. I pray daily that you give all your worries to Him and trust in His strength. I feel it in my heart that an abundance of blessings from God will unfold because of this union, and I'm excited for us! Of course our love will be tested at times, but I know we will overcome every obstacle and grow daily because of our promise to choose each other and to choose God.

Nothing is better than God's love or comes before our love for Him. I'm confident that you also understand that. Our love will never overpower the love of our Creator because He loves us so much. He created us and our love in His image. 

I have so much to say; I'm excited to come together soon. For now, I'm going back into prayer to thank God once more. I'll keep asking, seeking, and knocking on His door because you, my love, have helped me deepen my love, trust, and relationship with God without you knowing it and without my knowing who you are. I am in awe and filled with such gratitude this Thanksgiving Day.

I look forward to seeing you, knowing you, and celebrating life with you very soon. 💛


"Her Husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." 

Proverbs 31:11-12 (NLT)

"Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)


- A Note to Those in a Season of Waiting -

Since surrendering to God, I don’t feel a void anymore. He has filled every big and little hole I previously tried to fill with everything but God. I know that with my future partnership, He is bringing two wholes together because we are already whole. 🙏🏻 I pray the same for all who desire love.

I hope this journal entry inspires you no matter what season you are in. I've been in a season of singleness and solitude for nearly thirteen years. So much sadness, heartbreak, and loneliness have arisen during this time, including a complete and total lack of hope and thinking something was wrong with me. Thankfully, I know better now and remind myself of that when those moments creep up.

The biggest change that positively influenced my life was accepting, surrendering, and trusting in God. Having FAITH in Him is key in the times of doubt, the overwhelming moments of being human, the times of gratitude, and everything in between. The faith, which is TRUST, in Him is what will guide you toward peace. At least it has for me. I can reflect and sit with the present moment, breathe in His love, and know that He's got my best interest at heart.

I don't have physical proof or evidence yet regarding this love. I accept that I may have to wait a good deal longer or be pleasantly surprised within a week; only God knows, and I'm okay with that. I only know that what God has for me is worth the wait because it'll be better than I could ever imagine. I'm grateful to be in a place where I can genuinely trust what God has planned when He is ready because I'm already happy and at peace within.

I pray that others see that peace can be formed in the waiting without physical signs of change. When you transform yourself by allowing The Holy Spirit to lovingly guide you, the fears and feelings will be washed away, and you will be reborn.

I'm excited for us all! May my words and testimony help you find peace during this holiday season. You are loved and worthy. The wait is worth it! Feel free to share your biggest takeaway in the comments.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I am forever grateful.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 (NIV)


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